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My Bro: Aram

Tue, 23 Jun 2009 17:39:48 -0400

Here's my Brother Aram Sohigian's profile on Google:

http://www.google.com/profiles/aram.sohigian

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Neurological disorders on the rise

Tue, 23 Jun 2009 17:01:13 -0400

This very brief TED talk describes why neurological disorders are yet another potential disaster facing the world in the next 40 years:

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Ray Kurzweil Keeps On Talking About the Singularity

Thu, 04 Jun 2009 17:37:24 -0400

Although I find Kurzweil's insights when it comes to alternative (in this case, exponential) thinking, he has been wrong about the consequences of his predictions at almost every turn. Some samples of his predictions for 2009 (from his 1999 book, The Age of Spiritual Machines) :

"The majority of text is created using continuous speech recognition."
"Most routine business transactions (purchases, travel, reservation) take place between a human and a virtual personality. Often, the virtual personality includes an animated visual presence that looks like a human face"
"Human musicians routinely jam with cybernetic musicians"
"[technology for handicapped individuals] result in a growing perception that primary disabilities do not necessarily impart handicaps"
"The neo-Luddite movement is growing"

His predictions for the performance and capabilities of technology are good, but I would not trust his ideas about what we will do with all that performance and technology.

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A Shift in Conciousness: Robot Wars

Fri, 01 May 2009 13:22:08 -0400

via ted.com

This powerful talk from TED 2009 describes some of the ethical, social and psychological issues of using robots to fight wars. Ominous and fascinating.

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Great talk on Creativity

Mon, 20 Apr 2009 16:25:36 -0400

TED continues to amaze with great talks. This one on the nature of creativity is fantastic:

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Why Trickster Explains Everything

Sun, 12 Apr 2009 21:49:10 -0400

A couple years ago I read “Trickster Makes this World” by Lewis Hyde and really enjoyed the book. The book is a study of mythology in the vein of
“Hero with 1000 Faces” by Joseph Campbell. The difference is that Hyde describes the archetype of the “trickster” (Loki, Coyote, Raven, etc..) rather than the “hero” (
I just watched this talk by Emily Levine where she describes (in a very humorous talk) the essential points of the book. I, like Emily, really identify with trickster:

Beijing Day 6: The Great Wall

Sat, 11 Apr 2009 18:38:31 -0400

The Great Wall is certainly the most famous tourist attraction in Asia and it is a short drive from Beijing, so I knew we needed to see it during my stay here. Robert arranged a car to take us to the site and we went with a family that Robert knows from work. Roger, Tina and their daughter Samantha have been in China for about 6 months but Tina and Samantha had yet to see the Great Wall. We piled into the car (with Samantha on her parents’ laps) and headed out to the country.

Right after getting in the car I realized I had forgotten to put my battery in my camera! Fortunately Robert had brought two cameras (a pocket digital and a digital SLR), so we were covered. We climbed up into the mountains and after an hour and 45 minutes we arrived at Mutianyu, a section of the wall that is particularly well-preserved (and also restored in many parts). There were several options for getting up to the wall. The first was a enclosed tram which took you to the top. The second was an open tram. And the last choice (the one we took) was hiking up to the Wall. The first thing you learn about the Great Wall is that it is a well-established tourist trap, and that means “running the gauntlet” of stalls with tourist paraphernalia.

The second thing you discover about the Great Wall is that it is perched at the peak of the mountain chain, and that means a very steep hike to get up to the wall.

And the third thing that you learn is that the wall is, well, big. Great big, in fact. The only way to get a sense of it is to hike down it’s length for a bit, which was our plan after we managed to get to the wall. After climbing what seemed like 1000’s of steep stairs, we got our first glimpse of the Great Wall through the mist:

As you can see it was a particularly hazy day. I was not sure if it was just humidity or smoke from the coal plants or some combination, but it actually added quite a bit to the power of the Wall to see it appear magically from the mist

There are parts of the wall that are ridiculously steep, including places with steps that were 2 feet tall and 5 inches deep. The watchtowers were placed on a very regular basis in this section of the wall and we hiked through at least 6 of the towers. Eventually we found our way to the entrance of the aerial tram which was crowded with people. Many folks just take the tram to the top, hike for a couple hundred yards and then turn back. We decided to hike back to our original entrance although our legs were getting tired by now.

Then it was back into the car for a fast drive back into Beijing. I asked the driver to drop me off at the subway station as we got closer to town: I had decided to take one last shot at getting some silk for Meta’s dresses. I had found out about two high-end silk shops right near the center of town and since it was only 4PM I thought it was worth a try. The first shop had a large selection and very good quality (I had a sample I was using for reference). The silk I was looking for was known as “charmeuse” and needed to be fairly heavy-weight. In addition Meta had given me some color ideas to choose from (mauve, seafoam, rust and turquoise). I found the two stores and went back and forth between them comparing products:

The color choices were fairly random, but the prices were consistent (and fairly high). There is not the option of bargaining much in these sorts of shops, so I knew it was going to cost to get the right stuff. But the reason I was trying to buy this silk was not just about price: it is impossible to find heavy charmeuse in the US, especially pre-dyed fabric. Here are some of the colors I had to choose from:

It is a bit of a fool’s errand to send me shopping for fabrics, but I did my best. In the end I picked up two 5 meter lengths, one of mauve and one of rust. Or at least they looked like mauve and rust to me, but like I said, fool’s errand. Now the hard part will be finding seamstress back home that can handle dress-making with pure silk.

I made my way home, happy with the fact that I had managed to get the silk. I took the subway and then picked up Robert’s second bike near the station. The ride home was crowded with rush-hour bike traffic (even on a Saturday) and I noticed several tricycles carrying large loads. It is pretty amazing just how big a load some of these guys (and gals) can carry on their bikes:

Okay, Really amazing:

After seeing The Great Wall, Tienanmen Square and The Forbidden City I was starting to realize that the Chinese do big things quite well. I am considering using the phrase “China Big” instead of “Texas Big” from now on, but I think it will lose something in the translation.

That was pretty much it for my last full day in China. Tomorrow I will head to the airport and head out by Noon. I will arrive back in San Francisco at 8:30 AM or so. Crossing the date line in this direction allows you to perform a time traveling trick of arriving before you leave.

A full slideshow of the day’s pictures:

Beijing Day 5

Sat, 11 Apr 2009 17:31:41 -0400

Today was a mellow day, mainly making up for lost sleep and jet lag (just in time to head back home). I did head out in the afternoon to go shopping with Robert. I was mainly looking for stuff for the kids and we headed to a local indoor market that did not cater to tourists. The market had hundreds of stalls, with all sorts of specialties. Want shoes? Got ‘em:

Girl’s dresses? Yep, with big dolls for models:

Tape? How much do you need?

I spent close to three hours in the place (Robert gave up on me after an hour and I shopped on my own after that). I did find quite a few choice items, all for great “local” prices. The kids should be happy with the spoils. The only thing I couldn’t find was the silk that Meta had requested for her Eurythmy dresses.

After shopping on my own, I went back to Robert’s place and then we headed out for an evening with Vivian. First we looked for silk shops to purchase the material for Meta’s dress (Vivian has a background in fashion) but they were all closed, so no luck there. Then we went to a well-known ex-pat pizza restaurant known as “The Tree“. It was packed with foreigners and we ordered two very tasty pizzas. The beer menu at the place was ridiculous with a wide range of Belgian beers including Chimay, Abbey doubles and tripels, Framboise, Kriek and even, yes, Delirium Nocturnum. I had a Framboise and Robert did as well after he tasted mine.

Tomorrow is my last full day in China and we will be headed to Great Wall of China!

Linear vs circular spectrums

Fri, 10 Apr 2009 11:40:43 -0400

What I get out of my belief system and mindfulness:

I am often asked by people about how to be happy in their job, their relationships and their life. My belief system is partially Buddhist but more so about mindfulness in general. I have often looked for jobs, friendships and relationships that would be “the one.” However, the more I look, the more I find that no matter how much I believe one job is better than another, one person is better than another or that “it” will allow me to be happy, it, and I am fallible. We have every chance to be exactly who we are and what we are right now. We are that job we don’t like, which someone else would love to have. We are that person we hate, we are all those things that we despise. We are all just atoms that dispearse back to some other point when we are finished with them. We can play many roles and, I would suggest, life necessitates it.

I often talk to people who see their choices as a linear “spectrum” and see it as a flat line that goes in one direction. There is black on one end and there is white on the other (or whatever). I ask them to take the ends of it and bend it into a circle so they see that the opposites are very close together and can almost be interchanged. I’m not saying that Bush and Obama are that close, but they are probably not that different when you look at it: both human, both “male”, both work in politics, both think they are doing the right thing, both believe they are chosen to lead, etc.

Be willing to feel the fear in new adventures, to make mistakes, and to revel in the changes that result.

It is my responsibility to take the positive in me and let it flow into what I do. If I don’t, I then encourage negative energy from other’s to build and take control of my life. Look at the Dalai Lama; he is constantly smiling. I am consciously putting out that I want to smile and love life more. I am open to experiencing all that may bring!

Beijing Day 4

Thu, 09 Apr 2009 18:06:42 -0400

After a (fairly) late night at the Laoshe Teahouse, I slept in (after waking for a couple hours at 3 AM) and took it easy in the morning. Robert and I had lunch with a couple of his friends here. The food (vegetarian) was delicious. After lunch we headed down to Lama Temple, a working Buddhist Temple that is open to tourists. We took the subway (we have only taken two trips by taxi since I arrived) on several of the shiny new lines installed before the Beijing Olympics. The trains are equipped with a cool dynamic map that shows which stop you are headed towards with colored lights (red is stops you have passed, blue is stops along your destination path)
(click on photos to see enlarged version)

Once we got to the Lama Temple we met up with Robert’s friend, Vivian, who is a native Beijinger. Vivian speaks fluent English as well as Japanese and is learning French

We looked around the temple, which struck me as very different than Buddhist temples in Thailand. The temples in Thailand are ridiculously ornate, every surface covered with pictures and bas-relief. The Lama Temple was more subdued, although the Buddha statues were all gold:

There was one structure that held a giant turtle statue with a pillar on his back. I am not the significance of the statue, but it was interesting because it was crammed into the structure, making it difficult to even get a clear shot of it:

Perhaps it represents turtles all the way down.

The temple has a unique history, having been created as a home for court eunuchs in the early 1700’s. Eventually it was converted to a prince’s home. Later it became a “lamasery” devoted to Tibetan Buddhist Monks. The structure was protected by the Prime Minister during the Cultural Revolution, and that is why it survives today. It was reopened as a monastery in 1981, and is one of the most important Tibetan monasteries in the world.

After the Lama temple we took a bus to a shopping area which I think is called Hou Hai. The shops surround a large lake and it is very tranquil (by Beijing standards). It’s the same place where Robert went ice skating in the Winter. On our way to Hou Hai we noticed a man flying a kite, which, according to Vivian, was on over 800 meters of string! I zoomed in as far as possible with my camera (10x) and you can see just how small the kite still appears:

We wandered around the lake for at least an hour or more.

We also stopped into a Starbucks for a break (where can’t you find a Starbuck’s anymore?).

This is for my daughter, Anna. As we walked along a side street we saw a little bunny in a cage. Vivian and Robert went to say hello:

Then it was back on the subway to pick up our bikes for a speedy night-time ride through Beijing (no photos or video of that, I did not want to crash)!

Tomorrow (Friday) will be devoted to shopping for gifts and Saturday is a trip to the Great Wall of China. Here are the rest of the pictures from today:

Beijing Day 3

Wed, 08 Apr 2009 18:10:27 -0400

Today was not nearly as touristy as yesterday. In the morning I made my way around Beijing on my own while Robert headed to work for the morning. I took a bus from in front of Robert’s place and just got off when the area looked interesting. I did a little shopping (found a couple gifts for my Son, Caleb) and then realized that the bus I had taken did not run in the other direction. Although I actually quite enjoy making my way around a new city, even when I don’t know the language, I remembered that I did not even know how to describe Robert’s place to a taxi driver. Normally I would have gotten a native to write down my address for use in taxis, but I was being lazy and had decided not to bother.

I went down a side-street and found a place to buy live seafood. The choices included turtle, eel and several different species of fish:

I am not sure why, but I saw a couple reminders of Oregon while out on the town. The first was this worker wearing an Oregon shirt:

And the second was found in a high-end bike shop, which featured several Bike Friday’s (made in Eugene, OR) in their showroom:

Given the number of cheap folding bikes you can buy in China, it was really surprising to see a US made bike. Especially at a price of over $1500 US!

Eventually I traced the bus line back for about 1 mile until I found the line running in the other direction, so I made it home without difficulty.

Later in the afternoon we headed out to buy a new electric bike for Robert. This is his old bike:

And this is the new one:

Once he purchased the bike, we went for a ride around town together on the two bikes. Riding a bike (even an electric one) in Beijing is quite different than riding in the States. Cars, bikes, peds, carts, strollers, and whatever else all crowd together on the right side of the street. Horns honk, people weave and it all seems very casual. The good news is that they move rather slow and even though they can be unpredictable there is enough time to react. That said, it is not for the faint of heart and I warned Robert about trying to get my Mom up on one of the bikes when she visits: not sure if that would be wise.

We stopped by one of Robert’s favorite shopping places: Top Electronics City. It’s a huge mall purely for electronics. From complete computer systems to any part you can imagine, they have what seem like miles of stalls selling it all. Some example of what you can purchase there:

On the ride back home we heard the clattering noise coming from the car lanes and turned around to see a tow truck pulling a pickup with a flat tire. The tire was disintegrating further (almost down to the bare metal) as it drove along. The thing was clattering along as it was being pulled. The hilarious thing was that they had someone in the driver’s seat of the pickup being towed!

The evening was eventful as well. After a brief rest at home we headed out again by bike to catch the subway. The subway was crowded with people who move very smoothly as they transfer between trains:

Our destination was the Lao Tse Teahouse, a popular local restaurant with a variety show. The entire program is in Chinese and although there were translations for some of the acts, it was entertaining just to see the traditional chinese performance arts. The performances included shadow puppets, kung fu, comedy, Peking opera and a magic show. The highlight of the evening was when the magician picked Robert’s friend, Eric, to go on stage. Eric looks like the typical American and seemed willing enough. They had him help in tying up a woman for the act, and I suspect they picked him to poke a little fun at the “LaoWai“, or foreigner. They got a surprise when they asked him whether the ropes were tight (in Chinese) and he responded in Chinese (I am not sure what he said). Eric, despite his appearance, is fluent in Chinese after studying it for over 10 years. His response got a round of applause from the audience.

Some photos of the other acts:

A quick video of the shadow puppets:

The show was entertaining and gave a great taste of Chinese culture. Eric translated and explained several of the acts which gave it more meaning.

Here is a slideshow with all the photos I took on Day 3:

Day 2 in Beijing: Forbidden City

Tue, 07 Apr 2009 19:59:28 -0400

(click on any of the picture in this post to expand to a larger view)

Read this sentence about the Forbidden City:

“Construction began in 1406, lasted 15 years, and required more than a million workers.”

(from the wikipedia listing)

So what can 15 Million Man Years accomplish? Something pretty big, that’s for sure.

Waking up this morning was not a problem, but getting back to sleep (at 3 AM) was difficult. I took Leo, Robert’s dog, out for a walk at 8 AM and discovered that the elevators in his place go to -1 an -2:

By 10 AM we were ready to head out for the day. We started with an “American Breakfast” at a new restaurant near his home. The last time I had a breakfast with that name was in Thailand, and it was pretty miserable. But this was much more pleasant. I particularly liked the small bowl of corn flakes with the tiny spoon. My daughter, Anna, would have loved it.

We took the subway to the Forbidden City, which lies in the heart of Beijing. The trains are fast and clean, although can be crowded at rush hour.

First stop: Tiananmen Square, famous as the site of the 1989 protests and subsequent massacre. The Square is large, flat, and for the most part, featureless. It is meant as a massive gathering place for government ceremonies, much like Red Square in Russia. It lies just south of the Forbidden City. We took the obligatory tourist picture in front of the flagpole (you can see the entrance to the Forbidden City in the background).

Making our way to the Forbidden City, we passed through the outer wall via the Tiananmen Gate. The massive doors have rivet on them. Touching the rivets supposedly gives good luck, but I am not sure how many you are supposed to touch. I tried just a couple:

The scale of the Forbidden City is just enormous. It reminded me of the Grand Palace in Bangkok, but MUCH bigger (and less ornate). The scale was similar to the ruins of Karnak - almost too big to really comprehend.

As we made our way towards the inner gate, we decided we should have a guide to show us around the rest of the monument. We found “Sunny”, a local student who sidelines by giving tours of various tourist sites. She spoke English very well (and French too, from what she said) and knew the Forbidden City history in great detail.

More doors, more structure, more plazas. The palace seems to go on forever, with different ceremonial areas and structures at every turn. There are many interesting details, such as the lion handles on these enormous copper bowls.

The bowls themselves were used to store water for fire-fighting. Since much of the structure is made of wood, there was constant concern about fires.

Inside of most of the main structures were throne rooms, used by the Emperor and other dignataries to manage affairs of state.

This enormous lion guarded the entrance to the concubines section of the palace.

The Emperors were attended by a vast number of concubines, up to 1000 of them in some cases. The size of the palace is mainly required to accommodate the concubines, their servants and the many government officials that lived there as well.

There are many artifacts held in the museums around the palace. Some are truly exquisite:

Before I left, Meta and I wondered what the major historical religion in China was, whether Buddhist or something else. According to what I have now read, much of the structure and artifacts in the Forbidden City are focused around “Taoism“. You can read about it here:

I like the first two lines of the Tao Te Ching, the major text of Taoism:

“The Way that can be described is not the true Way.”
“The Name that can be named is not the constant Name.”

Here’s one other cool fact about China. Up until the early 1900’s they had a system of examinations that (theoretically) allowed anyone who passed to be granted lucrative jobs with the government (more on it here http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Imperial_examination). It’s an interesting cultural bias that suggests that all people should be judged on merit rather than family ties or other measures.

We made our way further into the inner portion of the city, and some of the spaces became smaller and (relatively) more intimate:

Many of the parts of the Forbidden City have been repainted and restored in recent years (particularly leading up to the Beijing Olympics). Evidence of the continuing work was still visible, such as these ceiling paintings, some of which are bright and colorful, and others faded with time:

Another amazing feature of the Forbidden City is all the carved stone. Much of it is weathered with time, and many people touching it as they walk by, but some has been protected and retains it’s original detail.

One particularly amazing example was this stairway, carved from a single block of stone:

After the Forbidden City we made the trip back to Robert’s place via subway (cost: $0.30). On Tuesdays and Thursdays he has someone who comes in to make dinner, so we relaxed to a nice meal and watched a movie (Watchmen, very disappointing). Then it was off to bed for the night. Tomorrow will be a slower day, just making our way around the city.

If you made it this far you are probably Meta or my Mom. If you are dying to see more, you can see a complete slideshow of all the photos I took yesterday below.

Another test of posterous

Mon, 06 Apr 2009 07:23:53 -0400

Video:

Photo:

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First Photos from my Beijing Trip

Mon, 06 Apr 2009 07:21:32 -0400

I arrived in Beijing today at 2PM on Monday, totally jet-lagged but still excited. In a funny coincidence there was a contingent of students from Sacramento Waldorf School also on the plane. I knew a couple of them and we chatted during the flight. They were clearly very excited about the trip and many had never been overseas.

Robert met me at the airport and we took the train to the subway to get back to his place. Also a quick dinner and then it will be off to bed! A 33 hour day can be wearing on a guy.

Below is a slideshow of a few of my experiences on the short first day. It includes pics of the SWS kids getting off the plane in Beijing, video of Robert and I heading to town from the airport and then walking around in Beijing on our way to dinner. More to follow.

Off to China on Sunday

Fri, 03 Apr 2009 22:04:49 -0400

I am headed to Beijing on Sunday (arrive on Monday 4/6). I will spend the week there with my Brother, Robert. I will be posting photos and stories to this blog as time allows.

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Never-Before-Published Photos: The Day MLK Died - LIFE

Fri, 03 Apr 2009 15:15:49 -0400

via life.com

LIFE Presents: Never-Before-Published Photos From Memphis, April 4, 1968
On April 4, 1968, LIFE photographer Henry Groskinsky and writer Mike Silva, on assignment in Alabama, learned that Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., had been shot at the Lorraine Motel in Memphis. They raced to the scene and there, incredibly, had unfettered access to the hotel grounds, Dr. King’s room, and the surrounding area. For reasons that have been lost in the intervening years, the photographs taken that night and the next day were never published. Until now.

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Latest PowerPoint Feature on Slideshare.net

Thu, 02 Apr 2009 12:25:03 -0400

My latest PowerPoint presentation on Generations is currently the top featured item on Slideshare.net:

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Apture lets bloggers build better links

Thu, 02 Apr 2009 12:07:00 -0400

via blip.tv

Way cool plugin that allows you to easily add context to blog posts.

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April Fools 2009: Flying hotels, 3D browsing, fake mergers, and more | Webware - CNET

Wed, 01 Apr 2009 19:57:10 -0400

via news.cnet.com

Remember when April Fool’s was just something you did with your buddies? The Internets changed all that…

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Treating Violence like a disease

Tue, 31 Mar 2009 16:18:29 -0400

via poptech.com

A great example of how changing your frame of reference can change everything. By staying away from moral judgments and viewing acts of violence as a disease, Gary Slutkin is able enact amazing solutions. Worth a watch.

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You don’t need Excel 2007 to create decent-looking charts

Tue, 31 Mar 2009 15:02:52 -0400

via chandoo.org

Pointy Haired Dilbert has lots of Excel charting tips.

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For those predicting the end of everything

Tue, 31 Mar 2009 14:42:14 -0400

For those predicting the end of everything, you are not onto anything new:

"Peace on Earth" from 1939

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Flight 1407 - 12/08/2002

Wed, 11 Feb 2009 23:18:05 -0500

Written on Flight 1407: returning to Oakland from NYC. 12/8/02

There are two ways to enter a new world: Either to be terrified or to decide to be eaten whole and to become enlivened by it. To be moved and changed and to see and feel things that one would never have guessed or even imagined. To be thrown, hurled, tossed, turned inside out and yet never feel that it is not pleasant.

This is the transformation that began in New York for me. To think that a boy who had always thought that he would have to return to the country to find safety and community and instead realizing that I had found in a city of 8 million strangers, all of whom are my brothers and sisters, as well as my cousins, my mother, my father, my grandmother, and my grandfather.

This is what I’ve found to be me:

Upon arriving I was filled with a slight apprehension. “New Yorkers are rude and in a hurry.” I could not have found this to be further from the truth. Strangers immediately helped me find my way and were gracious about it even though it was a Friday night and they were obviously on their way to something important in their own life. The open smiles, the many languages, the unlimited races and cultures all living in one place. It was both perfect and peaceful. It is hard to explain gracefully what New York means to me. Suffice it to say that I cried almost everyday because of the beauty, the love and the unbeatable spirit of the people who had been through such horrid times.

I have traveled to many places and have never felt the love that I felt in New York except one place: Hiroshima, Japan. It is my belief that the people of these two cities experienced the worst humanity can do and decided that love and kindness can stop it from happening again.

In New York, I saw the play “Our Town.” It is about a town much like Healdsburg, my hometown. The play is about a small place where nothing happens except life and how each second of it is important: birth, marriage, death. Everything passes quickly and if you don’t make the most out of each second, you miss life. Three seats from me Christopher Reeves sat in his wheelchair. I could not imagine what he must have been thinking after being on top of the world and then having that taken away. However, he, like New York and Hiroshima and hopefully each one of us, sees at that moment, that, no matter how simple and basic what we are doing right now is, it is of the utmost importance. My eyes well with tears as I tell you this and hope you understand what you all mean to me.

Love,

Aram

Mea Culpa

Tue, 10 Feb 2009 17:20:32 -0500

Mea culpa is a Latin phrase that translates into English as “my fault”, or “my own fault”. In order to emphasize the message, the adjective “maxima” may be inserted, resulting in “mea maxima culpa,” which would translate as “my most [grievous] fault.

As I move closer to my 40th birthday, I am somehow compelled to look at myself, my beliefs, and my way of moving through the world. I grew up in an exceptionally loving family that showed emotion openly. The benefit of this was that I felt supported and loved by my family. My dad would be there to take pictures and my mom would be there to cheer us on. The negative was that the level of emotionality often resulted in fighting, yelling and personal attacks. We did not learn “proper boundaries” in the psychoanalytical sense. In the last year or so, I have been working on my boundaries, my sense of what I want to bring into this universe, and how I want to handle myself with others.

I used to be a rageaholic. I would blame others for my unhappiness and my not being the center of attention. This narcissistic wound was so deep that I had a hard time regulating my own emotions. I would lash out when I felt hurt. I would take things personally, then verbally attack the person that told me these things because of my inability to be objective about my perceptions. I was unable to differentiate between where I ended and others began so I was constantly anxious and depressed. I was judgmental of others because I needed to keep myself safe and protected. If I were not better than anyone else, then I was nothing. As Shakespeare wrote, “[Jealousy] . . . it is the green-eyed monster.” My eyes were deeply green for much of my life.

I took this persona on and I am moving through it as best I can. I remember raging at the government and constantly blaming the “others” (whether they be democrats or republicans or whatever) and how that allowed me to move through life angry, bitter and devoid of my own responsibility. My stepfather, Phillip, was a marine and a captain of a NOAA ship (they do the weather information for the government and scientific work on the oceans). He once told me, “You are the government and if you don’t take responsibility for what you dislike, it is your fault.” It took me quite a while to agree with this statement because I used all the excuses like, “Well, the lobbyists have paid them off”, “They won’t listen to us”, and “They don’t care.” I still battle with this but I think that I’ve turned a corner. I think Obama, whether you like him or not, shows us how to take responsibility for our actions and our words. We cannot constantly blame others for our situation and our view of the world. That is up to us alone.

I also used to rage against religion. I used to say, “If there is a god, why does he let this happen” and take it as there is nothing out there because of the choices of humans. I used to chronicle the litany of evil the Catholic Church brought down on the world as fact that there is no god. My family is Armenian and Jewish but we didn’t really practice religion. My mom’s parents were Devout Atheists, as I like to call them and Communists on top of that. My dad’s mom never talked about religion, though she came from a generation where many Armenian families were deeply Orthodox. That being said, Stalin and Hitler prove that atheists can be just as heartless as any religious institution. I’ve realized that it is we, humans, who bend words and take them out of context. Read the Old Testament, the Bible, the Qur’an, and what Buddha said…it is based on love. I may not agree with all of it, but these books are based on love. It is our choice not only to hear that love but to bring it into our life.

As some of you have seen on my Facebook pictures, I was in a horrible car accident when I was 4 years old. I thank each of you who left comments or thought about me as that hurt child when you looked at the photographs. In regards to that, I hung out with a friend of mine this weekend whose 3-year-old son is in Children’s Hospital. He has a very rare Juvenile Xanthogranuloma (a histiocytosis disease). It has completely closed his airway, taken his happy voice, and is spreading. After a tracheotomy, a port in his chest, a GI feeding tube, & many complications involving approximately five months of lengthy hospitalizations, Tanner is still facing 1-3 years of medical procedures & expensive hospital stays. His case is the only one in the WORLD like this that we know of. The company my friend worked for laid him off last year. He now has to rely on COBRA for health insurance and the grace of his church, his family and his friends to survive. His wife is a stay at home mom and they have two other children. This is someone that would have the right to be more bitter than I could ever imagine and yet he trusts in his faith and that things will work out. That is the beauty that faith, trust, and seeing love in the world, can bring.

I have thanked my family and Katia for all their support in the past but I have to add another: My friend Saul, who has helped me immeasurably by supporting me to walk down this difficult path. He has helped me learn to control my destructive thoughts and outbursts, to look inside and examine my motivations and needs, to state what I truly believe and be honest about it instead of sarcastic and underhanded. He has helped me to become who I am. He has helped me in learning to own my choices. He has shown me ways to stop patterns that offer no benefit in today’s world. I have learned you always have a choice, no matter what the situation. He has also introduced me to meditation. Saul, you have my profound gratitude. Namaste.

As I write this, I look back at all the people that I have blamed, all the names I’ve called others, and the pain for which I have been responsible. I do not regret one moment because I would not be the person I am now. I do apologize if I have hurt you. I apologize if my anger, resentment and jealousy hurt you so that I would feel bigger and more important.

If you would like to talk to me about something I have said in the past that might have hurt you, I will try to listen, as best I can, without judgment and with love.

Mea Culpa.

Peace and Contentment

Tue, 27 Jan 2009 00:31:34 -0500

I think I’ve been searching for peace and contentment for so long that it made me consistently anxious and ungrounded. The worst part is, I don’t think I even knew what peace and contentment were. If I had found it, I wouldn’t have known what to do with it. In the last 2 years, I’ve been very blessed in many ways. I have a fantastic family. I’ve really grown to realize how much they love me and I love them. I have a wonderful girlfriend and she has a wonderful daughter. I have a job that I value and feel proud to go to almost everyday. And, in the next 6 months, I am moving towards becoming licensed as a Marriage and Family Therapist.

All of this has allowed me to feel content in a way that I never have before. Up until a couple of years ago, I was constantly running, while feeling like I could never be safe. It is not something that I really understood. I did not comprehend how limiting this was. I was always on the edge of running out of money, not having a stable place to live, and having to depend on my dad, my mom or one of my siblings to bail me out. It was a pattern that I kept reinforcing with my immaturity but, for some reason, I didn’t see it that way when it was happening. It was simply the only way I could figure out how to live. I guess, to some degree, I felt that I was special and therefore didn’t need to have that boring 9-5 job like everyone else. A friend of mine once said, “I don’t want to be one of those people who drives to work everyday in a steel coffin.” I sort of felt that I wanted to live the same way but, the difference is, he actually had a real job and didn’t have to have others take care of him the way I did. Only now, at the edge of my 40th birthday with all the things that I’ve listed above occurring to me, do I realize how much that hurt me and my growth.

I guess the reason for this post is that I want everyone who has helped me become the person I am to realize that I appreciate them, their support and their love. Again, I feel blessed.